How many canaries can you get under a Scotsman’s kilt?
Depends how long the perch is.
A fly sees a cute little female fly land on a pile of shit. He buzzes down and says, “Excuse me, miss, is this stool taken?”
How do you know if elephants have been making love in your back yard?
The trash can liner bags are missing.
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
You either get an onion with long floppy ears, or you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes!
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what’s on the outside?
What is brown and sits in the forest?
What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that runs for help after it bites your leg off.
What do you call three rabbits in a row, hopping backwards simultaneously?
A receding hareline.
What does an elephant use for a Tampon?
What do English cats drink in the afternoon?
Where did the kittens go on their class trip?
To a mewseum.
How do you call a barber cat?
What did the man say when the steamroller ran over his cat?
Nothing. He just stood there with a long puss.
What did the doe say as she came running out of the brush?
“That’s the LAST time I do THAT for two bucks!”
What kind of work does a weak cat do?
Light mouse work.
Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens?
Because she wanted to mail a litter.
Which state has a lot of dogs and cats?
Why should you walk carefully when it’s raining cats and dogs?
You might step in a poodle.
Which game did the cat want to play with the mouse?
What goes peck, peck, peck, boom?
A chicken in a mine field.
What goes, 99-thump, 99-thump, 99-thump?
A centipede with a wooden leg.
What disease can you get from kissing birds?
Chirpes! (A carnal disease, but it’s untweetable.)
Why does a tiger have stripes?
So he won’t be spotted.
What do you call a cat who does tricks?
A magic kit.
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear?
Because when he tried to make a second one he made a boo-boo.
What’s the best way to make a bull sweat?
Give him a tight jersey.
Did you hear about the Veterinarian and the Taxidermist?
Their slogan: “Either way you get your pet back.”
When a bomb goes off in the middle of a herd of cows?
What do you get when you cross a python with a porcupine?
Ten feet of barbed wire.
Why did the Chicken cross the road?
To show the Armadillo it could be done.
How do you tell the difference between a cow and a bull?
Milk them both. The one that smiles is the bull.
What does it mean when the Easter Bunny arrives one day late with melted candy?
He probably had a bad hare day.
How does a rabbit make gold soup?
He begins with 24 carrots.
What do you get when you pour boiling hot water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies.
Q: What does a ghost eat for dessert?
A: Ice-cream ( I Scream)
Q: What do you say to a ghost with three heads?
A: Hi! Hi! Hi!
Q: What’s the difference between a butcher and a ghost?
A: One weighs a steak and the other stays awake
A bear walks into a bar
and says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of beer and a………. packet of peanuts.”
The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?”
A grasshopper walks into a bar,
and the bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”
The grasshopper looks surprised and asks, “You have a drink named Steve?”
A kangaroo walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “Blood is the lipstick of all wounds.”
The bartender does not know how he said this or why.
Q: What has 10 letters and starts with gas?
Q: Poor people have it. Rich people need it. If you eat it you die. what is it?
Q: What is the chemical formula for “banana”?
Q: What is the most important rule in chemistry?
A: Never lick the spoon
Q: What is it that no man ever yet did see, which never was, but always is to be?